iPod Therefore I Arrrrh

I recently discovered that I can predict the future. You'd think I would have seen that coming… The other thing I should've seen coming is the iPod crack. I mean they were gagging for it so who could blame 22 year old Norwegian hacker Jon Lech Johansen for giving it to them. Well actually, Apple could - hence the story.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Because you may remember our little Jon (aka DVD-Jon) who at the ripe old age of 15 made a name for himself amongst the pirate community when he cracked the Content Scrambling System the film industry uses to prevent copying of DVD movies. The film community came after Jon but he was acquitted in the Norwegian courts. Thanks to Jon, pirates around the world can now watch pirated copies of Pirates of the Caribbean on something other than their VCRRRRRGHs (one for the kiddies there).

But here's the story, back in 2000, 15 year old Jon posted his first crack on the net and gave it away free. This time, 22 year old Jon sets up his own company, DoubleTwist Ventures, hires an MD, engages a team of solicitors and now sells the iPod crack to “unnamed” clients who want to use the technology so their content can be played on Apple iPods. My how our little Jonny has grown up.

“There's a certain amount of trouble that Apple can give us, but not enough to stop this,” he said. “We believe we're on good legal ground, and our attorneys have given us the green light on this.” Green light! That reminds me I need to tape up the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk into another dimension. Green light! I wrote a song once, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Now, every once in a while I'll be listening to my iPod and think “I might have written that.”

Orthus Announces Appointment of New Sales Chicken

This month Orthus announced the appointment of the Orthus Sales Chicken to head up the sales effort of their services portfolio. The commercial bird - an aggressive, 8.5 lb, free-range, Cornish Roaster - will take over the position previously held by the Orthus Sales Monkey who was disciplined following the unauthorised publication of Orthus IP by a rival security company.

The once loved Sales Monkey was put on extended garden leave until the issue was resolved but subsequently refused to participate in the associated investigation forcing Orthus to fill the critical role with poultry.

The predominately white meat, kosher capon shall bear overall responsibility for the commercial sale of Orthus services to include their: security threat assessment and risk analysis, network vulnerability, application code review and security penetration testing services as well as their newly launched data leakage solutions.

“This is a big opportunity for me” clucked the Sales Chicken. “And believe me, I know I have some big shoes to fill. But I'm a people poultry. People like me. Hey, why did the punk rocker cross the road? He was stapled to a chicken!! Ha ha! Yeah, I'm looking forward to this gig” squawked the for-profit fowl in front of a nervous looking Managing Director.

For information regarding Orthus Information Security Risk Services, contact sales.chicken@orthus.com

Play Christy for Me

Did you see the stories of the Internet Casanova who allegedly seduced over 100 women in 18 months? He was exposed last month after one of his dates found and sent his “shagfile” to every woman in his email address book? “Shag file”? Who is this guy, Austin Powers? I have absolutely no luck with women. The other night I stopped into this bar for a few drinks and the bartender said: “What'll you have?” I said “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my girlfriend.

Telcoms engineer, Frank Bauer used a dating site to meet and sleep his way through most of their subscriber base keeping extensive records of the details of his conquests and their preferences. One woman was labelled “housewife, tart, obsessed with group sex”, while another became “extremely shy, extremely horny”. Hmmm... Me? During sex my girlfriend likes to talk dirty. Last night she called me from a hotel. Could be me though (when I was born I was so ugly, the doctor slapped my mother).

Anyway, one night Frank brings home Ms. Christy Pressinger who he had just met on the site and makes the mistake of leaving her alone in a room with his laptop while he steps into the little predator's room to powder his beak. Christy being the inquisitive little minx she is, kills time by looking through the contents of his laptop, finds the file marked “Women 2006”, and in a moment of inspiration, emails it to his entire Outlook address book. She also found and sent out his Outlook calendar which shows which dates he had sex with, along with his personal rating of their physical dexterity. Ouch! This guy's Outlook is looking ominous.

Me? Things are getting better these days. I'm now dating a female clown I recently met in an adult circus performer's chat room. So far, so good. But I'm a little sceptical as she keeps tying my penis into a poodle.

Mr. Quizly

As always, the winner of this months quiz will receive a free security vulnerability assessment of one external facing IP address (terms and conditions apply):

Question: The following are the last 3 lines of dialogue from which movie?

Moritz: “Is that the Yank leaving in that machine?”
Roddy “Aye”
Moritz: “Bugger. I wanted to say cheerio”.

A. Trainspotting
B. Layer Cake
C. Local Hero
D. Gregory's Girl
E. Snatch
F. Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure

Answers to quiz@electric-onion.com

Quiz Rules:
One: Choose your product. There are waxes or sugar solutions available.
Two: If product needs to be heated, do so for suggested time.
Three: Check legs to be sure that they are dry. *This is very important*.
Four: Apply a thin layer of wax/sugar solution, following hair growth direction.
Five: Press muslin strip onto leg.
Six: Bite down on your lip and brace yourself - this is going to hurt.
Seven: Quickly pull the strip back and toward you. Do not pull up.

Answer to last month's quiz:
Which of the following actors were NOT members of the 1967 film “Dirty Dozen”?
Correct answer: D. James Coburn and G. Pee Wee Herman. Winner of last month's quiz: KL

Dude Your Butt Is Ringing

Last month, I'm sitting in this hotel room feeling worried and anxious (I was thinking I can't be the only guy who sits naked on this furniture) when I see this story on CNN that brightens my day. It seems cell phones, complete with chargers and data chips were found in the body cavities of fourteen inmates at a maximum-security prison in El Salvador. The phones were believed to be smuggled in to enable the criminals to direct activities on the street from their cells, officials alleged. And I thought “innuendo” was Spanish for “suppository”.

The discovery was made after suspicious officials took X-rays of the inmates, federal corrections Chief Jaime Villanova said. The names of the prisoners, all members of the dangerous Mara Salvatrucha (roughly translated as “The Cactus Colons”) Gang, were not released in order to avoid jeopardizing an ongoing investigation that began a month ago, he said.

Capt. Juan Ramon (The Piñata) Arevalo, Director of the Zacatras prison, said “The gang members had introduced the cell phones, wrapped in plastic bags, into their bodies through their anuses. Each one had a cellular with a number of chips.” adding that “One had also hidden a charger in his anal cavity.”

The smuggled phones were found during an investigation at prisons throughout the country amid complaints from business owners of extortion by gang members following their incarceration. The prisoners had changed phone chips frequently to avoid being traced, Arevalo said. Ouch.

On another note a midget fortune teller recently escaped from prison here in the U.K. Scotland Yard announced a small medium at large.

New Computerised Toothbrush Security Penetration Testing Service

Last month Orthus announced the launch of their new application-level security penetration testing services aimed at securing popular computerised oral hygiene devices.

The service, brainchild of the new Orthus Sales Chicken, is in response to consumer cries to secure the highly vulnerable electric toothbrushes which are now deployed with processor chips such as the Oral-B Triumph.

“The Triumph toothbrush has ‘Smart Technology’ with an LCD display on the handle enabling users to choose one of four brushing modes; a microchip tracks the battery charge, notifies different users when their brush head should be replaced, and rewards you with a smiley face when you complete the recommended two-minute brush time.”

The service will include testing the hand held devices for susceptibility to DDoS (distributed denial of saliva) attacks and the presence of cross-cavity scripting and gingivitis injection vulnerabilities which may allow remote users unauthorised access to a user's lower mandibles. Contact the Orthus Sales Chicken for a quote.

Herd Around The Water Cooler

“Having a smoking section in a restaraunt is like having a peeing section in a pool”

Tom Harrison
Orthus Project Manager

Your WLAN Shall Self-Destruct in 10 Seconds Mr. Phelps

Beer - the reason I get up every afternoon. That and maybe movies. So it distressed me immeasurably to read that last month a former movie chain employee was charged with hacking into the company's system and disrupting credit card ticket sales during their recent premiere of that movie with the 5 ft 2 excitable Secret Scientologist Agent.

I love movies because they remind me that life is like a dream. Like when I look down and see I'm not wearing any trousers. Anyway, the Fort Lauderdale-based Muvico Entertainment said it lost over $100,000 in potential sales because of the disruption allegedly caused by one Mr. Joseph Shook, who had been fired from his job as their IT Director.

Muvico said the disruption took place at its highest-grossing theatres across Florida and Maryland, according to a federal indictment. Bummer! Last time I went to the cinema, the prices were: Adults $9.00, Children $3.00. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.” (I thought it was funny. Maybe not “federal indictment funny” - but certainly “ha-ha” funny).

Shook allegedly hacked the wireless network at the company's headquarters, preventing those theatres from processing credit card tickets for MI-III on its opening night. A wireless hack! Oooh! I'm impressed. That is an Impossible Mission! Shook is now charged with “illegally damaging a protected computer”, which carries a maximum prison sentence of 10 years and a fine up to $250,000 in the Sunshine State. Maybe Mr. Shook can be someone's AirSnort bitch at his new home up state in Raiford Prison?

Me? My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Seriously, I drink way too much. Last time he drew blood he ran a tab.

The Finest Print We Can Afford

Even on the worst of days, the eOnion is copyrighted to Orthus Ltd. and may not be used to mock other IT security service or product vendors unless of course when it's in Orthus' best commercial interest to do so or when it's done in good clean fun. Either way - our call.

Hold the eOnion upright and shake vigorously prior to reading. Do not ingest on a full stomach and wait 30 minutes after eating before you go swimming. Because I said so, that's why. If drowsiness or nausea occurs, try reading the Register. If symptoms persist, you try writing something remotely funny for a cheap and cheesy monthly newsletter because it's the only job you can get after 20 some years of formal education. Not laughing now are you?

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Feeling Insecure?

The Electric Onion is an Orthus publication. If you're feeling a little lonely, vulnerable or insecure, tell us about it. Contact us at: +44 (0) 207 929 1253 for information security consulting services, therapy, advice or assistance. Thoughts, feedback, comments, questions, veiled or unveiled threats? Send an e-mail to getalife@electric-onion.com

“Where if there's one thing we can't stand, it's intolerance”

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