The Electric Onion - A satirical take on the world of IT security

South American Weather Report: Chile Tonight, Hot Tamale

My proctologist called last month. They found my head. But it's ok now. I can see how things really are and they're getting better. Really. Well, a little better. Maybe it's the holidays, but my heart was lightened a bit when I read that Chilean police reported significant success in fighting the good fight last month.

Chile's special computer crime unit aka: The Red Hot Chile Coppers (no… not really) said they dismantled a “major hacking conglomerate” last month when they arrested the four members of the “Byond Hackers Group” (including the bass player). Not known for their spelling prowess, the Byond Hackers Group is known to be one of the most prolific in the world, with more than 8,000 website defacements to their name. They're are also credited with hacking NASA, as well as other high-profile government sites in the US and Israel. You can't say that these boys don't have an impressive work ethic.

The Chilean hacking group became really famous last year however when it waged war against a rival group in Peru aka the “Lima Beanz” (no, not really). The cyber-conflict between the two groups led to a contest to see who could break into the most sites belonging to the others' government placing anti-war and social justice messages on their websites. Secret sauces in Chile claim that from time to time, both groups would team up to attack neighbouring Argentina (well who wouldn't?).

The year long investigation leading up to the bust centred on the leader of the group, who was apparently not motivated by celebrity or cash but a strong sense of good old fashion patriotism. Their arrest subsequently sparked a backlash of citizen protest and sympathy hacking as the group was seen as “harmless” and “well meaning” (kind of like how the market sees ISS). Anyway, things got so hot that the Chilean Government let the leetle hombres off with little more than a hand slap.

Usually, I can live in my own world (its ok they know me here). But these damn kids today with their fancy schmancy computer skills and their growing awareness of social injustice and penchant for political protest really whack my piñata. Before you know it, they'll start voting and trying to change the world and stuff. Change! Yeah right! Last week, I put a fiver in the change machine. Nothing changed.

Amazing Andy's Top Ten Security Predictions for 2007

1. I predict IBM will ask for a refund for the ISS purchase

2. I believe that ISACA will issue the new 48-oz CISSP Super Gulp in 2007.

3. I predict Symantec will experience tax problems with their off shore holdings.

4. I predict O.J. Simpson will write a new book on Michael Jackson entitled “If I Did Him…”

5. I predict SANS will include Donald Rumsfeld in their Top Ten Vulnerabilities List

6. I predict hackers will discover a security vulnerability associated with the Microsoft operating system software

7. I predict “The Register” will continue to “have it large and dis da man while keeping it real” in 2007.

8. I predict that Checkpoint will in fact “secure the Internet” by the end of 2007 thus saving the reputation of their marketing department.

9. I predict InfoSec 2007 will be attended by vendors selling products they couldn't sell at InfoSec 2006.

10. I believe that the NSA will realise that they cannot find Osama Bin Laden because he uses a MAC.

I'm Ready for My Close Up Mr DeMille

Living in a Big Brother State: The Year in Review

February: A man receives over £7,000 in compensation from his local council because they gave the media CCTV images of him taken on a night he wandered along a High Street in a depressed state, and attempted suicide. The council wanted to publicise the value of CCTV. The man however, argued successfully that his privacy had been infringed.

March: A Sheffield man's £50 fine for having oral sex in a bank foyer is quashed in the appeal court. His solicitor argued 'there had been no act which outraged public decency since there had been no public to outrage'. The only witness was a CCTV camera.

April: An unnamed member of the Scottish parliament is caught on CCTV 'with a male aide' performing a sex act on him. According to the Scotsman. 'He was not thought to be gay'.

July: A London nightclub loses its licence after cameras record footage of its own security guards assaulting clubbers. 'The men were all licensed as door supervisors,' says a police spokesman, 'but clearly they were not doing what they should have'.

August: A man is convicted for stealing a £650 computer from a shop selling CCTV cameras. The robbery is picked up on the shop's cameras. The shop's owner reports a surge in business following the conviction.

September: Two thieves are caught on CCTV digging up nine trees in Leicestershire, a year after they were planted, to replace others they had stolen in an earlier theft.

November: A famous footballer is caught at a club, allegedly kissing a woman who isn't his girlfriend. The images end up in the Sun.

Back to Monkey Business

The Sales Monkey has returned to Orthus to resume his commercial duties effective immediately. The Cheeky Chimp was put on extended garden leave following the suspicious publication of Orthus intellectual property by an unscrupulous competitor. During the prolonged investigation, the role was filled by a 8.5 pound, commercially aggressive, free range Cornish roaster chicken. The Orthus “Sales Chicken” (real name Maurice Schecklebaum) however failed to execute the duties of the post alienating clients with his incessant “road crossing” jokes and impersonations of a dancing Peter Crouch.

The Sales Monkey was subsequently exonerated of any wrongdoing by the log files of a data leakage solution deployed to monitor and control “insider” access to the information and reinstated in the coveted position. “It's about frickin time!” barked the petulant primate. “It's a good thing we deployed that software, or I'd be back on the dole living with my Uncle in Swansea” said the Monkey. “Besides, Orthus is my home”.

“Its good to have him back” said Orthus Managing Director. “Underneath the gruff, hairy exterior, this knuckle dragger is a marshmallow. He knows security and his opposable digits give him a distinct evolutionary advantage over most sales professionals I've met.” “We missed his insightful observations and pungent body odour in the company sales meetings. We're thrilled that he's back in the saddle”, said Hollis.

For information regarding Orthus Information Security Insider Threat Management Solutions, or any of our life-cycle services, contact sales.monkey@orthus.com

The Quizectomy

The winner of this months quiz will receive a free Orthus Sales Monkey - Witness Relocation Programme T-Shirt (terms and conditions apply):

Question: Who played the role of J. Higgins in 3 Days of the Condor?

A. Max von Sydow
B. Robert Redford
C. John Houseman
D. Cliff Robertson
E. Pee Wee Herman

Answers to quiz@electric-onion.com

Quiz Rules:
One: Pour an ounce of the Quiz into the palm of your hand.
Two: Massage into scalp.
Three: Rinse.
Four: Repeat.
Five: Rinse.

Answer to last month's quiz:
C. Local Hero. Winner of last month's quiz: DP

iShoe

It's a sad, sad day when a man can no longer trust his shoes. A month ago I could have happily wandered to the Saturday showing of Sexy Suzy's Showtime Shenanigans and, after seeing something that would surely have shaken my spam, I could have sauntered over to Sam's on sixty seventh street for a several shots of sambuca.

All that changed the day the wife forced me to don an iPod Sports Kit. Pitched as a 'sports training tool' the iPod Sports Kit provides me with an accurate record of my speed, distance covered and calories burned. Yawn.

The real reason for this rare act of gift giving generosity? Mrs Onion (The Witch) has craftily made use of the insecure wireless link between the spy in my shoe and the iPod nano I carry to my breast like a surrogate child.

Via the crafty placement of home-made sensors throughout the city, The Witch can eavesdrop on the unprotected data from my left foot. If I'm somewhere I shouldn't be (and lets face it, those are the most interesting places to be), Mrs Witch will know within an instant.

So, every time I get within spitting distance of Suzy's special spot, a speedy signal is sent. Suzy is not going to be happy.

Herd Around The Water Cooler

“Sometimes I wake up Grumpy; Other times I just let her sleep”

David Burton
Orthus Technical Manager

The Laws of Irony

Irony: noun: a situation in which something which was intended to have a particular result has the opposite or a very different result.

Last month Federal prosecutors announced that all the ill-gotten money that former Enron executives had squirreled away in their spouses' names can be fully recovered by the government, except for one executive - Michael Kopper.

Once a director of Enron's global finance unit, Mr. Kopper pleaded guilty in 2002 to illegally obtaining $16.5 million. The problem is that Michael is gay and since the great State of Texas does not recognize his union with his long time partner, prosecutors cannot treat the partner as a "spouse". Subsequently they have had to treat his situation as a "third party" transfer, whose assets are much more difficult to obtain.

If it's one thing I can't stand - it's intolerance! What's all the fuss about same sex marriages? I've been married for years and I keep having the same sex.

The Finest Print We Can Afford

Even on the worst of days, the eOnion is copyrighted to Orthus Ltd. and may not be used to mock other IT security service or product vendors unless of course when it's in Orthus' best commercial interest to do so or when it's done in good clean fun. Either way - our call.

Hold the eOnion upright and shake vigorously prior to reading. Do not ingest on a full stomach and wait 30 minutes after eating before you go swimming. Because I said so, that's why. If drowsiness or nausea occurs, try reading the Register. If symptoms persist, you try writing something remotely funny for a cheap and cheesy monthly newsletter because it's the only job you can get after 20 some years of formal education. Not laughing now are you?

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Feeling Insecure?

The Electric Onion is an Orthus publication. If you're feeling a little lonely, vulnerable or insecure, tell us about it. Contact us at: +44 (0) 207 929 1253 for information security consulting services, therapy, advice or assistance. Thoughts, feedback, comments, questions, veiled or unveiled threats? Send an e-mail to getalife@electric-onion.com