The New Chip & Pen

Okay, get off my back. It’s not like I can just crank these things off at the drop of a hat and I’ve been busier than a one-legged Riverdancer. Besides, I need to get angry to write these and I was feeling pretty good about things over the holidays because I got some new underwear for Christmas (well it was new to me anyway). It took me a few weeks to get them worn in properly then I settled down and caught up on the news.

The one that got my undies in a bunch was where I read in the Times that the UK is planning to implant "machine-readable" microchips under the skin of felons as part of an expansion of the electronic tagging scheme to create more space in British jails. What! This really worries me as I live in a really tough neighbourhood (I recently bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it) and the bulk of my neighbours are on home curfew.

Apparently, the Ministry of Justice is investigating the use of satellite and radio-wave technology to monitor criminals in lieu of locking them up. The microchip tags are the same as those used to keep track of dogs, cattle and airport luggage (well it didn’t help track my sunset taupe, Samsonite 2000 Executive Plus Traveller), but to date - there is no record of the technology being used to monitor people.

The tiny chips (or “crisps” in the English vernacular) would be “surgically inserted under the skin of the offenders to enforce home curfews”. The radio frequency identification (RFID) tags contain personal information such as biometric data and of course, criminal record details.

It seems Her Majesty’s Government is pulling out all the stops in trying to come up with a new idea to relieve the serious overcrowding in her jails. The UK currently has the highest prison population per capita in Western Europe and is releasing more and more offenders on bail and house arrest because they cannot incarcerate them. If it flies, it’s going to change the face of a lot of neighbourhoods.

Did I tell you how tough our neighbourhood is? Teachers get notes from parents saying “Please excuse Trevor for the next 5 to 10 years”.

ID Thief Returns IDs

"An identity thief who has stolen over three million UK identities over the past two years returned all but four of them last month, declaring the identities 'totally worthless' and 'an enormous waste of my time and hard work.”

The professional identity thief who goes by the Internet name of “Slinky Dink” said that he had spent months hacking through the firewalls of one of the country’s largest financial institutions, hoping to reap billions of pounds for his efforts, but after sifting through the stolen identities he found that they were “little more than a garbage dump of unpaid university loans and overdue Sky TV bills”. Dink relinquished the pilfered IDs in exchange for immunity from authorities and a small refund on his council tax.

"Everybody's running around worried about identity theft these days”, added a bitter Dink. “All I can say is don't flatter yourself by thinking you have an identity that's worth my time”.

In a related development, at the annual convention of the National Association of Hackers and Identity Thieves held in San Diego last in December, some of the world’s most prominent cyber thieves complained about what they called a serious decline in the number of identities worth stealing.

They called out for financial institutions to institute measures that would warn or "tag" particularly worthless identities, enabling hackers to focus their energies elsewhere.

Heard Around the Office Shiatsu Massage Table

“For Christmas I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

Oliver Reade: Orthus Sales Monkey

News You Couldn’t Make Up

A research team led by Richard Hanson of Case Western Reserve University (Cleveland) has produced a colony of "super mice" whose physical abilities are the rodent equivalent of those of gifted humans. By modifying a single metabolism gene, researchers enhanced the mouse's ability to use body fat for energy, creating a mouse that can run five hours without stopping, live longer, and have three times as much sex as ordinary mice. According to Hanson, humans have exactly the same modifiable gene "But this is not something that you'd do to a human. It's completely wrong." [The Independent (London), 11-5-07]

Salt Lake City police reported that an out-of-town man was treated at a local hospital on Dec. 1 after being beaten up by gang members. The man had earlier mentioned to the gang members that "Utah gangs" are not as tough as those from his hometown. [Desert Morning News, 12-3-07]

In October in West Palm Beach, Florida, Jacqueline Holmes filed a lawsuit against a nightclub named Coco Bongo for injuries after a disco ball fell from the ceiling and conked her on the head. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 10-6-07]

The Cowboy Code

So I was sitting quietly sipping my Chivas, Dr. Pepper & Tabasco in the corner at one of those swanky Information Security Secret Scull & Crossbones Meeting things last month - you know the kind where the sole purpose of the membership is to discuss the shortcomings of non-members - and I over heard some guy quip that the industry was “full of cowboys – and not the Brokeback Mountain kind”. I wish! If vendors and service providers in our industry had the ethics of cowboys it would be a giant step up.

Back in the 30’s American singing cowboy Gene Autry wrote the “Cowboy Code” and I for one think that they are words to live by:

1. The Cowboy must never shoot first, hit a smaller man or take an unfair advantage.

2. A Cowboy must never go back on his word, or a trust confided in him.

3. A Cowboy must always tell the truth.

4. A Cowboy must be gentle with children, the elderly and small animals.

5. A Cowboy must not advocate or possess racially or religiously intolerant views and ideas.

6. A Cowboy must help people in distress (or dat dress over der).

7. A Cowboy must be a good worker.

8. A Cowboy must keep himself clean in thought, speech, action and personal habits.

9. A Cowboy must respect women, parents and his nation’s views.

10. A Cowboy must not overstate PCI DSS requirements.

(OK I put that last one in there).

That’s Our Story, and We’re Sticking to It

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. Then I realised that I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H. I also noticed the C.I.A. (Cocaine Importing Agency) announced at the SANS SCADA (don’t ask me what that stands for) Summit that “unknown attackers breached the networks of utilities and disrupted the power to cities outside the United States” recently?

According to a C.I.A. (formerly known as the Clearly Insane Agency) analyst attending the event, the attacks didn’t affect any U.S. cities or power companies but were targeted against “multiple regions outside the region”. The cases apparently also involved “demanding unspecified extortion and ransom demands”. "We suspect, but cannot confirm, that some of these attackers had the benefit of inside knowledge” said the analyst.

O.K. So let’s get this straight. Apparently, unknown attackers may have breeched unidentified utilities in multiple regions outside the region, demanding unspecified demands using unconfirmed insider knowledge. “Yikes! Honey, quick - bring in the dog. Sounds like we’re going to a code orange!”

The announcement marks a rare case of openness for C.I.A. (also known as the Centre for Icelandic Art) despite the fact that later that same day the Agency spokesperson responsible for intelligence gathering and counterterrorism events outside the U.S., refused to comment on the announcement.

Mr. Quizly Perplexing Music Biz Quiz

The winner of our monthly quiz will receive a slightly used (but never worn) 001% cotton Electric Onion - Witness Relocation Programme T-Shirt (terms and conditions apply):

Question:What was Chuck Berry’s first hit single?

A. Johnny B Goode
B. Mabeline
C. My Ding-A-Ling
D. No Particular Place to Go
E. Reelin & Rockin
F. Memphis

Answers to quiz@electric-onion.com

Quiz Rules:
1) Well, if you feel you like it
2) Go get your lover, then reel and rock it.
3) Roll it over and move on up
4) Just a trifle further
5) Then reel and rock it.
6) Roll it over… and dig these rhythm and blues.

Answer to last Onion quiz: Which Bruce Stringbean songs features the 2 gangs the Skulls and the Pythons? Correct Answer: A Zero & Blind Terry: Congratulations AP

The Finest Print We Can Afford

Any way you cut it, the eOnion is still copyrighted to Orthus Ltd. so may not be used to mock, ridicule, tease, scorn, scoff, deride, disrespect or disparage other ICT security service or product vendors unless of course when it’s in our best commercial interest to do so or when it’s done in good clean fun. Either way, it’s our call so suck it up.

The eOnion may cause arrogance or involuntary spasms of smug self righteousness which may lead to public smirking or prolonged bouts of condescending behaviour (sort of like being a Royal). Symptoms include unexplained disdain for information security product vendor marketing managers and an itchy flaking on the scalp. If drowsiness or nausea occurs, try reading SC Magazine. If symptoms persist, you try writing something funny for a cheesy monthly newsletter because it’s the only job you can get after 20 years of formal education. Not laughing now are you funny boy?

To unsubscribe go to the nearest window, stick your head out and yell “I’m not going to take it anymore”. Alternatively, send an e-mail to security-unsubscribe@electric-onion.com. All Information provided shall be processed in accordance with the Data Protection Act 1998 (and we don’t say that just because we have to - but yes, we have to).

Feeling Insecure?

The Electric Onion is an Orthus publication. If you're feeling a little lonely, vulnerable, exposed or insecure, tell us about it. Contact us at: +44 (0) 20 3170 8955 for information security consulting services, therapy, advice or assistance. Thoughts, feedback, comments, questions, veiled or unveiled threats? Send an e-mail to getalife@electric-onion.com

“Contents may have settled out of court.”

©2008 Orthus Ltd. All Rights Reserved